I don’t know what to call this.

I have not been posting lately. I always say life is busy, and life always is, but that is hardly an excuse. Rather, I’ve been wrapped up in it, or wrapped up in avoiding it. One or the other.

I have three more semesters of school, plus two summer courses, if all goes as planned. If not, well. This semester is nearly over, and I feel like I am craning my neck to keep my chin above water. It’s not as bad as all that, but not as good as last semester either. I’m nearly finished my English degree, thankfully. Only two more courses (one media course and my 400 level seminar), neither of which are being offered next semester. Well, that’s a lie. One is, but at too unforgiving a time to be worth it. So in the fall I overload on Education courses, which is all I have really wanted to do anyway.

My relationship with my English degree is peculiar. I love the subject, as always, but I’m rather over the courses. As much as I needed to take the break that led me from leaving King’s, I feel like the department fit me better. Here, everyone is lovely but I’m wrong for it. Their values too cloistered, too unrealistic, well-intended but stifling, and the undergrads take their cues there. I remember how I shaped my opinions and worldview at their age under more liberal professors, so I can’t throw stones, but I’ll be glad to be finished.

Of course, I’m also rather jaded. I’ve taken the theory, had the debates, written the papers. It’s all done before and I’m not learning much.

Not that I don’t still grow into my own skin. But I find that more in Education now than anywhere else. Or in myself, as I have been.

I still write, though I don’t post about it or post anything. The longer projects are mostly on hold and the shorter ones slow going, balanced precariously between research projects and studying. I may or may not have a poem to post soon. It’s in draft stages, but I may be compelled to submit it to the school literary magazine, depending on circumstances. I’d rather send it somewhere more legitimate, but there you have it.

Anyway, I’m still alive. More on twitter than anywhere else. Perhaps when the semester ends I’ll have a bit more to say. Until then, have a song. I have recently developed a passion for songs about things like kindness and taking responsibility, and this is one of a growing list of songs on repeat.

Reverse Peter Pan

I know how you feel, little man.

I’ve been thinking about something Melissa said the other day. “Either you’re an adult now, or you want to be.”

It’s undeniably true. I have been waffling between these two states since I was 23. I’m not going to lie about the ages of 18 through 22, as I was nothing even remotely similar to an adult at 18, no matter what I would have told you then, and I hadn’t enough of a concept of adulthood to want it in any meaningful fashion. And at 22 I was too busy ignoring it and pretending it would go away.

Now? I’m still in that weird in-between state most people inhabit for a year or two post-baccalaureate, despite the fact that I am 25 and still have not completed my degree. But I’m finishing it, which is a step in the right direction, and the experience is doing more than anything to underline the differences between myself and, well, my previous self.

One of my classmates this past week complained about the adult students in her other classes. She said, “God, they always complain about how they were at work all day and now they have to come to class. Um, hello, missy has been in class for six hours today!” Her tone was flippant, in such a way that only the truly naive are able to achieve, but at the same time, I remember being her. I remember sitting in classes, staring at older students, wondering why they were even kidding themselves. Their lives weren’t so difficult, they just couldn’t hack it as a student, because they didn’t belong there!

I mean, I was wrong. Sitting at a desk, staring at a computer monitor and fine print for eight hours a day is far more exhausting than it has any right to be. And I did try, as you may remember, working full time to support myself and attending a full course load, and ended up faceplanting back in my parents’ basement. (There is still a small chance I may have to return to that lifestyle, which is one reason I want to get good grades and finish as many credits as possible now.)

Anyway, the point isn’t the readings (which for the first time I am genuinely on top of) or the material (much of which is review, given how many Literature and Philosophy courses I have already completed), or the homework (which i actually finish ahead of time! god, the Mayans were right). It’s the whole outlook on life.

You never expect yourself to change. I guess that is why older people complain about “the young generation.” You perceive the world in relation to yourself, and it’s easy to lose track of whether it’s them moving, or you.

Thank you to mysterious Flickr photographer for listing your picture under Creative Commons. I really should start doing my own photography.

Oh, also, I apparently have a posting schedule now. If you don’t use a blog reader or subscribe, look for me every Monday morning at 9:00AM.